Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
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[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My last name is Zilla.