If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
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*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.