Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave