you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence