You Might Also Like
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Go hard or stay average
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*