I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.