Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I have questions??
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Don’t snitch tag.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
reminder
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?