*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
You Might Also Like
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Encore…
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
superman landing like a plane on his belly
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…