Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
every college guy’s fridge
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card