Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.