big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
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Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff