[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
This meal prepping shit is easy
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
yea so i messed up lol
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family