I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
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u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Snapes on a plane.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.