I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?