* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
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dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u