I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
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Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.