Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.