‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too