Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
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I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I want this so bad
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”