If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
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Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
john wicks are toilet candles
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.