my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
He wanted to make sure😂
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
LOOOOOOL
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS