Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
#parenting
Easy enough.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
CUTE CAT‼︎
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..