Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
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Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
a badder mouse
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’