“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
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COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”