murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
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[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My wife gives the best headache.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.