I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?