To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
remember
only for emergencies
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.