Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
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[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we鈥檒l talk
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it鈥檚 closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Everyone鈥檚 gangster until they pull a push door.
When your computer鈥檚 memory runs out that鈥檚 ramnesia
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else鈥檚 yard it鈥檚 called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 馃槑馃崅
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised