Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
*bites zombie*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.