[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
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I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.