Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Hello, my name is Pierre.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores