WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Hell yeah 👍
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
*aggressively waits in line*
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!