DM: hi I鈥檓 Emily and I live in your area 馃拫
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: I鈥檓 gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I鈥檓 really over it.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I鈥檓 holding.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
馃幎 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
ME: I鈥檓 taking it back.
WIFE: It鈥檚 fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.