me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.