My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*