[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
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Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting