[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*