In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
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Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Mornin
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.