I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
You Might Also Like
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭