I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing