Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂