“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Childbirth is so beautiful
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care