For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy