If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
How is it still this week?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
What a year we’ve had this week.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
technically true but not a great slogan
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.