i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
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Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Introverted vegans go meetless
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…