wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one