calling in to work dehydrated
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8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me irl
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction