You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Shower sex be like:
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
british sex workers really pound for pound
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE