If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
how to have fun when you’re poor
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.