Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
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All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
They’re not wrong
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.